Everything's on for tonight?
- I still think it's too soon to bring him up. - We have no choice. They're onto us.
I've programmed the CLC for two hours. There's no telling when it'll be free again.
We'll have to move him if he comes up, or be ready to dispose of him the usual way.
Please state registration code.
Check.
Where was the subject found?
We came across it the last day of our field trip into the woods a week ago.
The capsule was perfectly intact.
- Is there any date on the capsule? - Yes. The subject was frozen in 1973.
He's been under for 200 years.
- Blood pressure? - 140/50.
- Encephalo-activity? - Just under normal.
General life functions: acceptable.
- He should come out of it any moment. - Do we have any information on him?
Just the usual data card inside the capsule and the personal artefacts kit.
Subject was 35 years old at time of initial cryogenic immersion.
His name: Miles Monroe.
He was part-owner of the Happy Carrot Health-Food Restaurant
on Bleecker Street, wherever that was.
Also a clarinet player with something called the Ragtime Rascals.
Was his immersion voluntary?
"Subject entered hospital for routine exploration of minor peptic ulcer,
and complications set in. Patient never regained consciousness."
"He was admitted for immersion by his cousin, a Mrs Joan Needlebaum."
- The physical damage was repaired? - Totally. Routine.
- We're getting an initial motor response. - This is the critical stage.
If his regaining consciousness isn't handled carefully, there could be damage.
We're dealing with an involuntary subject who expects to be waking up in
St Vincent's Hospital in Greenwich Village in 1973.
Swallow reflex is almost there.
- We've got to get him out of here. - He's not ready.
We've got to get him ambulatory, ready or not.
Careful.
Now, just keep him on his feet.
We've gotta dispose of this capsule. Get him to the farm.
- We'll meet there tonight. - Yes.
Now, let's try to take a step. Like this. One...
- Bend the knee. Up, down. - Take a step. That's it.
There you are. Good. Very good, Mr Monroe.
Up, down...
Oh, no. He's got it in reverse.
- You're going wrong. - Mr Monroe.
Security's coming.
Mr Monroe? Please, Mr Monroe. Wake up.
We've gotta get him dressed - quickly. Stand, right there. Stand.
That's it.
Mr Monroe, there we are.
Sorry to bother you, Doctor. Is everything OK?
Yes, we... We ought to be through here shortly.
It's funny. We're getting a misread on the power function.
Really? Well, I'll order a check first thing in the morning.
Any reason why anyone else would be consuming power?
No, it's just Dr Orva, Dr Monroe and myself.
We definitely did register a power increase here.
Don't mind Dr Monroe.
He's not over the effects of a new ray we've been experimenting with.
- What's this? - That?
- I think you two'd better come with us. - Why? We haven't done anything.
I think I can explain. You've heard of the Venus Project, haven't you?
Yes.
We had to come in this evening to finish up some very important work.
When we asked for clearance, we were given no reason to believe we couldn't...
- You have authorisation? - We had clearance given.
- Fully, a week ago. Don't you believe...? - Dr Monroe, l... Gentlemen...
- This really is getting difficult. - He could be dangerous.
Please leave us alone so that we can complete our work.
He's going to get dizzy. This is going to be worse than ever.
- Don't you see what a difficult... - This is getting a little out of hand.
If we hadn't had this interruption, we'd have had it under control.
- Now, please, gentlemen. - Are you sure you have authorisation?
He's fully recovered... except for a few minor kinks.
- Has he asked for anything special? - Yes. This morning for breakfast.
He requested something called wheat germ, organic honey and tiger's milk.
Those are the charmed substances once felt to contain life-preserving properties.
You mean there was no deep fat?
No steak or cream pies or hot fudge?
Those were thought to be unhealthy... the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Incredible.
Well, he wants to know where he is and what's going on.
I think it's time to tell him.
I can't believe this.
My doctor said I'd be up and on my feet in five days.
He was off by 199 years.
I know it's hard, Miles, but try to think of this as a miracle of science.
To me, a miracle is I go in for a minor operation,
I come out the next day, my rent isn't 2,000 months overdue.
That's a miracle of science. This is what I call a cosmic screwing.
And where am I, anyhow? What happened to everybody? Where are all my friends?
Understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly 200 years.
But they all ate organic rice.
You are now in the year 21 73.
This is the central parallel of the American Federation.
This district is what you'd probably call the southwestern United States.
That was before it was destroyed by the war.
- War? - Yes. Over a hundred years ago,
a man named Albert Shanker got a hold of a nuclear warhead.
You will remain in hiding here for two weeks while we run tests on you.
Then, when you've recovered your strength, we'll discuss the plan.
I still can't believe this.
What do you mean "hiding"? Who am I hiding from? What does she mean?
You might as well know, Miles, that reviving you as we did
was in strict opposition to government policy.
What we've done is illegal.
If we get caught, we'll be destroyed... along with you.
What do you mean "destroyed"?
Your brain will be electronically simplified.
My brain? It's my second-favourite organ.
Resisters to mind-reprogramming will be exterminated for the good of the state.
What kind of government you guys got? This is worse than California.
There is a growing underground, Miles.
Someday the revolution will come and we can overthrow our leader.
You gotta be kidding. I wanna go back to sleep.
If I don't get at least 600 years, I'm grouchy all day.
We're taking him along too fast. He's still emotionally unstable.
I go in for a lousy ulcer operation, I lay in a Birds Eye wrapper for 200 years,
I wake up, suddenly I'm on the ten-most-wanted list!
We'd better tranquillise him.
It was too good to be true. I parked right near the hospital.
Here. Smoke this. Be sure you get the smoke deep into your lungs.
- I don't smoke. - It's tobacco.
It's one of the healthiest things for you. Now, go ahead.
You need all the strength you can get.
I bought Polaroid at seven. It's probably up millions by now.
Now, we have certain artefacts here which we date from 1950 to 2000.
We'd like any information you can give us on them. Very little exists.
For instance...
Joseph Stalin. He was a communist. I was not too crazy about him.
He had a bad moustache, a lot of bad habits.
This is Bela Lugosi. He was the mayor of New York for a while.
You can see what it did to him there.
This is... This is...
Charles de Gaulle. He was a very famous French chef.
Had his own television show. Showed you how to make soufflés and omelettes.
This is Scott Fitzgerald over here. A very romantic writer.
Big with English majors, college girls, nymphomaniacs. Very, well...
This is Chiang Kai-shek, who I was not too crazy about either.
This is Billy Graham.
Very big in the religion business. He knew God personally.
Got him his complete wardrobe. Used to go out on double dates together.
It was a big thing. They were romantically linked.
This is some girls burning a brassiere. You notice it's a very small fire.
This, I don't know what that is.
That's a photograph of Norman Mailer, who was a great writer.
He donated his ego to the Harvard Medical School for study.
And this... this I can tell you already,
this is a centrefold from a magazine we used to call Playboy, which...
These girls didn't exist in actual life.
They were rubberised. You had to blow 'em up.
And you could spread ointment on them, or anything else that you...
I'll just take this and study it later and give you a full report on it.
And would you tell me exactly...
what this is?
Yes. This is... You see, this is the chattering teeth.
This, you would buy at a store and take it to a party if you wanted to get big laughs.
You'd put it down on the coffee table
and you'd set it off and then...
See how funny it is? The teeth chatter. They're plastic.
I am going, at this time, to give to this television and radio audience...
Some of us have a theory that he might have been
a president of the United States,
but that he did something horrendous,
so that all records, everything, was wiped out about him.
There is nothing in history books, there are no pictures on stamps...
Yes, he was president.
But whenever he left the White House, the Secret Service counted the silverware.
Thank you very much, Jimmy.
From the beginning, Muhammad Ali's career was marred by controversy
and, who knows, it may have ended last Saturday in the very same way.
From the...
At first we didn't know what this was, but we've developed a theory.
We feel that when citizens in your society were guilty of a crime against the state,
they were forced to watch this.
..the way it began - March of 1964. That's where...
Yes, that's exactly what that was.
- Would you like some more? - This tastes awful.
I could have made a fortune selling it.
Janis, some more for Mr Monroe.
Certainly, sir.
- Are you thirsty, Mr Monroe? - Me? No. No, thank you.
Of course.
- These robots are uncanny. - They're one of our biggest industries.
Far more sophisticated than previously manufactured labour-saving devices.
They're alert, they respond. I've gone out with girls with less movement than that.
Watch this. Janis, come here.
Yes, Dr Orva. May I be of service to you?
Tell us about yourself.
My name is Janis 414.
I'm a domestic service menial of the 400 Series.
I can cook, clean, I am a butler, a gardener and chauffeur.
I have been programmed to respond to a complex series of domestic commands.
Janis, clear the table and then leave the room.
Come on, Miles.
Are there females? The possibilities are limitless.
It's late. We've got to get you out of here.
- What do you mean? Where am I going? - To the Western District.
The underground has its headquarters there.
Miles, have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
Yeah, sure. For 24 hours once I refused to eat grapes.
There's something called the Aires Project. We want to know what it is.
Why?
We believe it's a plot the leader has to destroy the revolutionary movement.
- How do I fit in? - We defrosted your capsule
because we needed someone with no identity.
Everyone here has a citizen's record.
We've all been computerised, catalogued, fingerprinted, voice-printed.
But you have no number. You can be used to penetrate.
If you're captured, you don't know anything.
They could torture you for months. What could you tell them?
My name, rank, serial number and your name.
- You've got to help us. - You've got the wrong guy.
I'm not heroic. I was beaten up by Quakers.
- Miles, you're our chance. - No, I'm sorry.
I never get involved in anything where I could be tortured.
I'm a screamer. It's embarrassing. I wake up shrieking at the top of my lungs.
Excuse me, sir. The security police are here and they're surrounding the house.
- When will you want lunch? - Go to the Western District.
- Find the Aires Project. - You can do it.
Out that way, Miles.
Fly, goddamn it. Fly.
Goddamn cheap Japanese flying packs.
We still haven't located the alien. We'd like to check the back of your van.
All right, come on. Let's go. Move it.
Let's go. I don't have all day. Come on. Come on.
Here's your new home.
Oh, no. Is this the best they could offer?
Jeez. I'd hoped for something with at least decent features.
I guess I'll bring you in next week and have your head removed. OK, come on.
- What's your name? - M-Milo.
The alien authorities are seeking is still at large.
Persons observing any unusual activity or behaviour
should do themselves and our leader a favour by reporting it to the police.
All right, Milo. I'm expecting company any minute.
Help with the drinks and serve. Some of them'll be hungry.
The kitchen is on a single-circuit system.
I think I'm going to put some rose oil on my fingertips.
Check the music channel and the aromatrom,
and make sure there's plenty of food for all the people.
I think the way it was first explained to me...
Remember that very funny story...
Hi, everyone. Long time, no see.
Long time, no see. Come right on in.
Where did you get that? It's gorgeous.
- Hi! - How are you, darling?
- It's wonderful. You shouldn't have. - I just thought you'd like it.
Oh, it's Keane. It's pure Keane.
No. No, it's greater than Keane.
It's Cugat.
It was white on white. And you know where she got it?
- No. You're kidding. - Right. Right. You know who paid for it?
- Magnificent. - Let's go and tell her about...
Here it is.
The orb.
Could I have a hit off that hot orb, Milo?
Milo, Milo.
No, no, no.
Let's all go for a swim.
Where's the pool?
Run, run, run!
That was wonderful. I feel so refreshed.
We should have had sex, but there weren't enough people.
- We'll use the orgasmatron. - That's a good idea.
I think Beverley's nose looked larger tonight.
- I had such a good time. - All in all, I thought the party went well.
As good as last night's or the night before's.
Maybe not quite as good as last Saturday's but, you know,
I love a party with a theme.
- Say, there's something on your mind. - They arrested Dalton Porter today.
- Why? - He was with the underground.
- No. - It was horrible.
They tried to reprogramme him and it went wrong.
- He's a vegetable. - I don't wanna hear this.
I-I saw it happen. He was babbling.
He claimed he saw secret experiments at the hospital.
Something called... Aires.
I absolutely do not wanna hear about it. This world is so full of wonderful things.
What makes people go berserk and hate everything?
Why does there have to be an underground?
There's the orb, the telescreen, the orgasmatron. What more do they want?
It's hard for us to understand criminals. We're artists. We respond only to beauty.
Yes, I know. Herald... I wrote a new poem today.
- You didn't? - Yes, I did.
A little boy caught a butterfly
And said to himself:
I must try to understand my life and help others,
Not just mothers and fathers
But friends. Strangers, too.
With eyes of blue and lips full red and round,
But the butterfly didn't make a sound
For he had turned into a caterpillar...
By and by.
That's deep.
You're so obviously influenced by McKuen.
- Do you really like it? - Only one thing...
They change from caterpillars into butterflies. Not the other way.
They do? They do?
Damn it. Damn it.
Damn it. I always get that wrong.
- Relax. Relax. - Oh, shoot. Shoot.
Oh, no. Now the whole evening's spoiled.
And now I'm getting a headache. Shoot. I hate to be wrong!
Luna, sit down, sit down. Luna, sit down. Come on. Sit down.
- It'll be all right, I promise. Now just relax. - I was having so much fun.
Come on... That's better.
And now Channel 1200 leaves the air until tomorrow morning.
Our leader wishes you all a pleasant good night.
- Can I help you? - Would you change his head for me?
- Something a little more aesthetic. - Right.
And check his works. He acts peculiar.
Got room in there for another head change?
Yeah, sure.
- All right, I'll be back in a little while. - Let's go.
You have to help me. I'll tell the truth. I'm not a puppet. I'm Miles Monroe.
I was frozen in 1973. Doctors thawed me out.
Everybody's after me, but I didn't do anything. I'm a nice person.
I would never force myself sexually on a blind person.
You're the alien?
You live in a police state. We have to find out what the Aires Project is.
- God, you are. You're the alien! - You won't give me away, will you?
I knew I could count on you.
Are you hungry?
Do you want a cracker, maybe? Take a cracker.
How can you not be hungry? We've been sitting here for hours.
All you had in the car were these... interstellar space cookies.
Eat something. You'll feel better. Just take a cracker.
Will you shut up? For God's sakes, put yourself in my position.
I'm a clarinet player in 1973. I go into the hospital for a lousy operation.
I wake up 200 years later and I'm Flash Gordon. Plus I'm a criminal.
I never did anything wrong. I ran a health-food store in Greenwich Village.
Occasionally a customer would get botulism.
But that was very rare.
Now, look, you have to help me. You're the only person I know.
I'm gonna take that gag off. If you're gonna scream, scream.
Nobody's gonna hear you.
Go ahead, scream.
I love it, I love it. Scream.
Help! Help me!
Shut up or I'll bring this rock down on your head so hard
that a substance resembling guacamole will come out of your ears.
- What do you want with me? - Help me reach the underground.
I'm not helping any alien. We don't want your crazy ideas.
Go back to Greenberg's Village.
Greenwich Village. Not Greenberg's Village.
And that was 200 years ago. I can't go back.
You're sick. You have to give yourself up.
They won't hurt you. They'll restructure your brain.
Oh, no. Nobody touches my brain. They may drop it.
Then I'd talk like I'd been hit by lightning.
Please! I wanna go home. I'm getting a headache. I'm hungry.
I haven't had a stress pill or a bath in seven hours.
I'm not accustomed to this. I need my orb.
I wanna relax. Look at me. Look at me. I'm shaking.
- You'd be great on a camping trip. - I order you to take me home.
They'll be out looking for me. You've abducted a very important person.
I am a renowned poet. I sell 20 to 30 poems a week, plus greeting cards.
- How far is the Western District? - It'd take days, and that's with a vehicle.
Take me there and you'll never see me again, I promise.
I'm hungry. I can't think straight. Obviously, I'll promise you anything.
If I get you some food, will you take me to the Western District?
You sit here. I'll find us something.
And don't try anything funny, cos you know what you'll get.
What?
What will you get?
A large and painful hickey.
Oh, my God. I beat a man insensible with a strawberry.
That's a big chicken.
What a way to go, to be pecked to death.
Pass the celery.
- There you go. - Couldn't you get anything else?
Do you think it's easy to run when you're holding a banana the size of a canoe?
You didn't get any dessert. There's no seasoning, no wine.
I still can't believe the size of these. I'd hate to see the fertiliser.
What was that?
- What? - That noise. Didn't you hear anything?
Are there any strange animals that I should know about here?
Anything futuristic,
like with the body of a crab and the head of a social worker?
How do you know I won't trick you and turn you in to the hands of the police?
How do I know? Cos I think, maybe, what the hell.
I think maybe you trust me a bit now.
Maybe you think I got you food and, what the hell, I'm not really such a bad guy.
OK. Now, we're gonna get a vehicle.
And don't try anything funny or you'll be sorry. Come on.
Our car broke down. Is it possible we could borrow one?
Sure. Come on in. Are you OK?
Fine.
My goodness gracious. Just look at yourself. You're so dishevelled.
I might have some clothes you could just jump right into.
Why don't you just come this way?
- Her car ran out of... - What, honey?
We have to borrow a car.
- What are you mumbling about? - Could I use your bathroom?
Yes, of course.
Come on in and sit down.
Come on in here and you just sit right down here, you little cutie.
Hello, police? I can't speak. I'm with the alien.
We're heading west on the 1600 channel.
We should be at the eastern parallel in a half an hour.
- Detain him somehow. We'll be right out. - OK, I'll try.
But I'm not gonna promise anything.
Don't let him out of your sight. We're on our way.
- Would you like a stroke? - Me? No, thanks, man. I'm cool.
Excuse me. Do you have a space hydrovac suit?
Of course. Why? Are you going on the space shuttle?
Yes.
Yes, I am. And he forgot his.
Reagan. Bring out my hydrovac suit. Right this minute.
Here's your silly old hydrovac suit.
Jesus, I could hardly find it. It's such a mess in that bedroom.
What am I gonna do with a hydrovac suit?
If you don't want the police to recognise you, take off that robot uniform.
- What is a hydrovac suit? - It's for space travel. Use it as a disguise.
I see you're starting to think a little bit now.
- Why are we stopping by the river? - I don't know. I think that we're lost.
Hey, look.
Over there.
- No. Over there. - Shall we take her in or get rid of her?
- I'm not the one that you want. - Take her in for reprogramming.
- What are you talking about? - You've been contaminated by the alien.
- What? - You spent too much time with him.
- But I'm the one who turned him in. - Let's get rid of her now.
- One less reprogramming job. - She'll be fine after the brain treatment.
Help!
Our orders were to use our discretion. I say destroy her.
- We're gonna have to swim for it. - I can't swim.
- What do you mean, you can't swim? - I mean I can't swim.
I can't swim either. Get on top of me.
- Come on, get on top of me. - I don't wanna get wet.
- Hurry up. Paddle. - I'm paddling.
Don't worry. I was a lifeguard at Bloomingdale.
How could you? I hate you. I hate you.
Try not to get upset.
They wanna destroy me. Me!
The inflater.
Lean left. Left.
No. Lean left.
Use the inflater.
- What is it? - It's a 200-year-old Volkswagen.
They really built these things.
Reg... "Register commies, not guns." What's that mean?
- What? - "Register commies, not guns."
He was probably in the National Rifle Association.
There was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens.
- It was a public service. - Let me see that.
It's a New York Times - be careful - from 1990.
"Pope's wife gives birth to twins." Wow.
- We don't have cities like New York now. - No cities at all?
No. But I went to the university at a population centre.
You went to a university? It's hard to believe. For what?
Cosmetic sexual technique and poetry.
They teach you sex in school?
Yes, in case something goes wrong with the machine.
What do you do? Switch to manual?
Where did you learn about sex?
From my mother. When I was little, I asked her "Where do babies come from?"
She thought I said rabies. She said "From a dog bite."
A lady on the block gave birth to triplets. I thought she was bitten by a Great Dane.
That's perfect. We'll dump it in the water. They'll never find it.
What's it feel like to be dead for 200 years?
It's like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.
Hey, don't bother to help. It's a light car.
Were you scared? Do you believe in God?
Do I believe in God?
I'm what you would call a teleological existential atheist.
I believe there's an intelligence to the universe, except for parts of New Jersey.
Why is it I never understand what you're saying?
Why? Do you believe in God?
Well, I believe that there's somebody out there who watches over us.
- Unfortunately, it's the government. - Miles.
Miles, did you ever realise that "god" spelt backwards is "dog"?
- Yeah. So? - It makes you think.
Yeah.
Do you wanna push the car, please?
Push the car, will you?
- Ready? - Yeah.
All right, let's go!
- Nice work. - Just my luck. It landed on a turtle.
Hey, I know this place. This is where they first brought me.
- It looks deserted. - Boy, we really have gone wrong.
Hey... Hey, look at this.
I wonder who their decorator is.
- What's the matter? - I heard something.
- It's probably futuristic mice. - I'm scared.
There's nothing to be scared of. You're with me.
I did that. What...
For God's sakes, get a grip on yourself. You need a drink.
Come on. Try.
- Who are you? - Me?
Get off my channel.
What are you doing?
Who is that guy?
I couldn't make enough money playing jazz,
so I had to open up the health-food place.
- Weren't you any good? - Yeah, I was all right but
I always felt that to really play jazz, you had to be black.
- I'm just a mulatto. - You?
Yeah. You knew that about me, didn't you?
- No. - Yeah, I am.
- You're joking. - I wouldn't kid about that.
My father was black and my mother was white and vice versa.
Come on, Miles. You are joking.
I'm always joking. You know that. It's a defence mechanism.
Do you wanna perform sex with me?
Perform sex?
I'm not up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you if you like.
OK. I just thought you might want to. There have a machine here.
Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I'm strictly a hand operator.
I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.
It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.
204, if you count my marriage.
- What did your wife do? - She was a hit man for the Mafia.
- Was... Was she beautiful? - Yeah, she was great.
Blonde hair, great upturned nose.
It was really dynamite. Two blue eyes... one on either side, of course.
I liked the arrangement. That's why I married her.
- See, you are. You're teasing me again. - No.
Yes. You think I'm stupid.
No. How can you say that?
I think that you're bright and... and sensitive and...
Beautiful. Yeah. Well, then, how come you're not attracted to me?
You know, I mean, men go crazy over me.
I'm great physically. I got a PhD in oral sex.
- They make you take Spanish with that? - What?
I don't know. I was an English major. Chaucer. Pope.
I minored in foreplay. It's a two-credit course at NYU...
Miles. You're not taking me seriously.
What do you want me to say if you say "Do you wanna perform sex with me?"
It's so cold. I need to be warmed up and sent flowers, romanced.
Sex is different today. You see?
We don't have any problems. Everybody's frigid.
That's incredible. Are the men impotent?
Yeah. Most of 'em, except for the ones whose ancestors are ltalian.
Right. I knew there was something in that pasta.
You wanna get in the machine now?
No. We don't need that. Really, I...
I think it would be great if we did. I wouldn't be frigid...
You wouldn't be frigid with me. Nobody ever is.
I got the magic fingers. You know, I swear.
I've cured more women of frigidity. It's my specialty.
Two minutes in bed with me and you'll sell that thing for scrap iron.
I got a lot of fast moves. Really.
The only thing is, I have asthma, so if you hear some wheezing, it's me.
But give me a decent burial and...
This is the police. We have the premises surrounded.
Come out with your hands up...
Hide in this room. I'll lead them away. Contact the underground.
Find out what the Aires Project is. Remember that?
- Yes. The Jupiter Project. - Aires.
The Aires Project. What about you?
Don't worry about me, honey. I'm like a cat. I'll always wind up on my feet.
Mr Monroe? I'm Dr Nero, your orientation advisor.
I'm here to supervise the initial phase of your assimilation into society,
a society that will take care of your needs and desires with great efficiency.
Now, you get a good rest and next week you'll begin a new life.
- Subject prepared for a total brainwash. - Programmed for 1970s reference data.
Proceed to 200, level D, programming code omega.
All systems proceeding. Activate subject.
Our Miss America contest is down to the five finalists.
Miss Alabama, Miss Florida,
Miss California, Miss Hawaii and Miss Montana.
Now, in order to test the contestants' personalities,
we're going to ask each a question.
Miss Montana, if you could do anything for mankind, what would it be?
- He's not responding. - Go up half a cycle.
I would use my title to bring peace to all nations of the world,
be it black, be they white, be it coloured, be it whatever.
And now for that moment you've been waiting for.
First, we're going to give you Miss Personality and Miss Congenial.
Miss Florida and Miss Hawaii.
And the second runner-up is... Miss California.
Finally, the first runner-up, who will take over first place
if the winner is unable to fulfil
the duties and obligations that go with winning.
The first runner-up... Miss Alabama.
Which means that the winner is...
Miss Montana.
Anybody here? I have a new citizen to be outfitted.
You want jackets, we got jackets. You want trousers, we got trousers.
This is a good time, believe me. We're having a big sale. Tremendous.
Positively the lowest prices. Maybe you need a nice double-knit?
- I'm stuck with three-pieces corduroy. - Something simple.
We got simple, we got complicated. Why do you worry?
- Who put that shipment downstairs? - Why d'you bother me? I got a customer.
You know what you're doin'? That was all velvet.
So it's velvet. Leave me alone. I got a customer.
- Why do we need so much velvet? - What?
- Where do we come to velvet? - I'll talk to you later.
I'm in a bit of a rush here, if it's OK.
You know what your mistakes are costing us?
Drop dead. You wanna drop dead?
OK, step against the screen.
- This is terrible. - OK, OK. We'll take it in.
You'll work at the function complex.
It's a required service of all citizens.
This is where you'll be living. It's a gift from our leader.
Isn't this pretty? I think you're really gonna like it here.
That's your orientation pamphlet. It has the names of all your new friends.
There will be conversation and discussion assemblies twice a week.
After you've moved into your permanent home, you'll enjoy mechanised servants.
Until then, you can have a computerised dog. Rags!
Woof, woof, woof.
Hello, I'm Rags. Woof...
Is he house-broken or will he leave batteries all over the floor?
Don't yell. We're with the underground.
Once this week I questioned my supervisor
and I missed a couple of minutes of our leader's speech on television.
And you know that blonde girl, Rainer, who works in my office with me?
She's got... With the long blonde hair and the... great tomatoes.
We've been sneaking into the projection room on our lunch hour and making love.
I know if they catch us, it's against the rules, but I can't help it.
I'm... And I hope that you forgive me.
Hello, Miles.
- Who are you? - Who am l? I'm Luna.
- Who? - Luna.
Don't you remember? We were outlaws, aliens.
The police captured you. I escaped.
I'm with the underground.
Remember? The Western District?
Miles, I'm Luna.
Luna! Remember? Luna.
- Your name is not Luna, is it? - Think back, Miles.
1973. The Happy Carrot Health-Food Store? The Ragtime Rascals?
- You're the alien. - That's right, Miles. I've come for you.
How did you get in here? Don't come near me. Rags!
- Miles. - Rags, get in here. Come on, boy.
- We're not gonna hurt you. - Come on, Rags!
- Get her! Go for her throat, Rags. - Woof, woof, woof, woof.
We're going to reprogramme your mind. We're going to free it.
- Rags, get her. Come on, Rags. Kill. - Woof, woof, woof.
Go ahead. Goddamn dog.
Hello, I'm Rags. Woof, woof, woof.
We have a good file on him.
We'll induce a hypnotic state
and force him to re-experience some of the major traumas of his life.
Hopefully, this'll shatter his recent personality
and allow the old one to emerge again.
My orb, my...
You won't need that any more, Miles.
Now, listen to me, Miles. It's the year 1962.
It's time for that Sunday dinner at your parents' house.
Your parents' house in Brooklyn on K Avenue.
No.
What are you standing there? Come in. Your food is getting cold.
- Let's eat. - Miles, take some peas.
The Passover holidays are coming and you'll be wanting to wear your matzos.
I've got something to tell you. Arlene and I have to get a divorce.
She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our waterbed.
Oi vai iz mir!
Oi, gevald! What will them goyims say?
No.
Stop whining and eat your shikseh.
Oh, no.
No, please. Don't let in the light. Cover those lights, please.
Please, don't get up. I was just passing through.
Erno. Erno, what's happening?
Something's gone wrong with the treatment.
His brain is elsewhere. He believes he's another person.
- No, no. I need magic. - Miles. Miles. Who are you, Miles?
I'm Blanche... Blanche Dubois.
It means white wood.
- We can't upset him or it could be fatal. - What are we gonna do?
You read A Streetcar Named Desire. Just play along. He needs an injection.
Physical beauty is passing, a transitory possession.
But beauty of the mind and richness of the spirit and tenderness of the heart
- and I have all those things -
aren't taken away, but grow, increase, with the years.
Strange that I should be called a destitute woman
when I have all these riches locked in my heart.
I been onto you from the start.
I seen how you tried to sprinkle this place up with them
powders and those fancy French colognes.
Well, I say ha!
You hear me? Ha! Ha!
I think... I... Yeah.
Why, you're not the gentleman that I was expecting. What's going on?
Whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.
- How you feelin', Miles? - You look beautiful.
You were screaming out names in your sleep.
Oh. I was having sexual nightmares.
Who are the A&P Gypsies?
- You look so different. - I feel different, Miles.
I've spent the past six months living like a wild animal.
- Really? - That's right. All of us.
All of us in the underground. We all live on our cunning and our instinct.
- We're all a pack of wild animals. - Lunch, Luna.
While you were being a pawn in capitalistic society,
Erno's been teaching me the beauty of Karl Marx.
- Who's been teaching you? - Erno.
You absolutely must meet him. He's wonderful.
In a few months he's going to lead the revolution and start a Marxist regime.
Government by the workers and the downtrodden masses.
- You remind me of Lisa Sorenson. - Who?
An old girlfriend of mine.
A Trotskyite Jesus freak, arrested for selling pornographic dot-to-dot books.
Miles, I wrote a song about the revolution.
There's not gonna be any revolution unless we stop the Aires Project.
Don't you worry about that. Just relax. Listen.
Rebels are we
Born to be free
Just like the fish in the sea!
I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were... kissing.
Miles. I was just telling Erno about Aires Day. He has a plan, Miles.
You tell him, Erno.
Right, darling.
- This is a one-channel radio. - W-What, darling?
This... This is a phoney thumbprint.
It'll allow her to pass through the security scanning device.
We're gonna steal operating gowns and pose as doctors to get inside.
OK, try not to appear nervous. Smile.
- Peasants. - Relax. You're shaking like a leaf.
- How do you want me to shake? - Everything'll be fine.
- So how come you're shaking? - You're making me nervous.
Don't blame me.
- Hello. - Will you get a grip on yourself?
You'd probably feel safer with Mr White Teeth back there.
- Who? - The rebel with the wall-to-wall muscles.
- You mean Erno? - Yeah.
It's a great name if you're the star of a vampire movie.
- He's brilliant. - I know. He couldn't be with us today.
- He's gotta take his handsome lesson. - You're jealous.
Are you kiddin'? With a body like mine, you don't get jealous.
Don't expect me to tie myself to one man.
My love is a free gift to all the Bolshevik brothers.
Do what you want. You're over 21 .
- Little tramp. - We're here on business.
Free love. I created a Bohemian monster.
Next she'll want group sex with the robots.
Shut up. You're attracting attention.
Give her a book and she's Miss pseudo-intellectual, neofascist,
- Hegelian Freudian monster. - Don't get hysterical.
Get your part right. Don't worry about me.
- If we get screwed up, it's cos of you. - "If we get screwed up, it's cos of you."
I'm on a mission with a retarded man.
- Just get your part right. - You get your part right.
What am I doing here? I'm 237 years old. I should be collecting social security.
Do you remember the diagram? There's fast forward, dual control, overheat...
- OK. We've been over all this. - I know. But I wanna be sure you got it.
I'm the guy goin' out the window. It's a long drop. I'm liable to bruise my smock.
All right, Miles. Don't worry. I got it.
- This is the manual. - No, that's the rewind.
- Then this is the manual. - No, that's the dual control.
- I thought you said you had it. - I do. I have it, I have it.
You love Erno?
Oh, Miles. I don't know.
All right, the coast is clear. Start lowering me.
This is... manual.
No, that's fast forward.
Miles.
Look, I... I got some tape around.
For a minute I thought you couldn't work the machine.
- Erno said to take the north escalator. - I'm running this. We're going my way.
It's Erno's plan. He knows what he's talking about.
Why does he know? Cos he's handsome?
He's got capped teeth. Did you know? He has capped teeth. He's got capped gums.
- He is an architect and a mathematician. - Yeah. But can he do this?
- You're an idiot. - We're going my way.
Fine.
Dr Temkin, there you are. Come with us. The meeting's this way.
Doctor.
- We're doctors. We're not impostors. - Dr Temkin, could we please?
Big doctor. Very big. Eyes, ears, nose and throat.
Please. May we? May we, Doctor, please?
- Nice work. - They think we're someone else.
I know. If we'd followed Erno's instructions, everything'd be OK.
I don't wanna hear about Erno.
That's the only thing that makes me st-stutter.
It's always Erno. I'm tired of Erno. No more Erno.
- Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. - All right.
Gentlemen, none of you have ever met before for obvious reasons of security.
But now Aires Day is here.
I realise what I'm about to say will come as a great shock.
However, I'm counting on you to respond appropriately.
Ten months ago our leader suffered a horrible accident
when a bomb, planted in his home by the underground, exploded.
Naturally it was kept quiet,
but since then we have virtually been a leaderless society.
Unfortunately, preparations for a successor have never been clear.
In short, we have been in the throes of a major crisis.
As for our leader,
the emergency department rushed to the scene of the accident immediately,
but all that remained of him was this.
This is our leader's nose.
Using great presence of mind,
we rushed the nose to our closest delta laboratory, which is here,
where, through massive biochemical effort,
it has been kept alive for nearly a year.
Our dream has been that by cloning
we would reduplicate the entire leader again.
Cloning, for those of you unfamiliar with biology,
is a process by which, using one single cell,
a duplicate of the person it came from could be formed.
Till now, we've only had limited experimental success,
but all efforts have been directed to cloning over the past ten months.
And now we feel confident we can reproduce our leader from his nose.
Gentlemen, with God's help, in a couple of hours, we will have our leader back.
And we will then coordinate Aires Phase Two,
which will exterminate all dissident factions on signal from our reborn leader.
- Miles, it's a nose. - I know. I was here.
- What are we gonna do? - We'll radio Erno. It's time to strike.
The leader has a terrific handicap. He has no head or body.
- We're not fully prepared. - It doesn't matter. They're in chaos.
- OK. Gimme the radio. - I dropped it.
- You dropped it? - It fell out of my pocket...
- Fell out of your pocket... - Stop repeating what I say.
- Stop repeating... - Get a grip on yourself.
- We gotta stop 'em. - The only way is to steal the nose.
- How? - I don't know. I never stole an organ.
- Wait a minute. I got an idea. - Yeah.
The nose is in the operating chamber. We go to the floor below.
Cut a hole in the ceiling, big enough to slide through.
Come up under the nose and hide it under my coat.
- It's a stupid plan. - What's wrong?
It's too subtle. We have no time for that. We go into the operating room.
You create a diversion. I steal the nose.
- Miles, I'm scared. - Easy. You took some skin there.
- Here. - What is that? A table lighter?
You gave it to me from Melik's before they captured you.
Where you been hiding it? Don't tell me.
The trick in these situations is to remain cool.
- You're biting my nails. - Cos you're tense.
We're here to see the nose. I heard it was running.
Dr Temkin, we're ready on this end.
You don't mind if some younger people
not involved in genetic programming observe?
No, not at all. I like to be watched while I clone.
The more the merrier. I never... I never clone alone.
Hello, Dr Temkin. So nice to see you.
I'm Bio Central Computer 2100, Series G.
I'll be assisting you through the entire process.
May I say, we're all aware of your reputation
and we look forward to a successful cloning procedure.
- This is my assistant, D-D-Dr Spock. - Janice.
- Dr Janice. Dr Spock. Spanis. - Dr Spanice. Dr Smanice. Slock. Smock.
- Dr Slanice. - Doctor.
I better have a look at the patient.
He's in a lot worse shape than I thought.
Better lay off Armenian women.
You can see the coded medical history on read-out four.
I believe that this is going to be a very difficult croning job.
- Yes. Cloning, you idiot, not croning. - Cloning.
We are ready to proceed.
After looking at the nose,
I get the feeling what we oughta do perhaps is postpone the cloning.
Excuse me, Doctor, but that would be a tragic mistake.
I think the computer is failing to take into account what I call the Pinocchio factor.
It states that the square root of the proboscis equals the sum of the sinuses
over seven.
What is your opinion, Doctor? Should we proceed or postpone?
Indeed.
One moment. A moment. A medical moment.
Yes. Well...
I believe that we should go ahead with the cloning.
Go ahead with...
I have to have a conference with the doctor for a second...
I just wanna speak to you...
- What do you mean? - What are we supposed to do?
- I don't know how to clone a nose. - You're crazy. I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of this. You make me crazy.
- Doctor, would you please proceed? - You stop it!
Get a grip on yourself.
Of course. I'm glad you put it to me in that fashion.
Now, if you'll let me have the lobster fork. Thank you very much.
What you have here... I've diagnosed the situation.
I think what we're dealing with is a nose.
I think we're all in agreeance on that. I have the little beggar right here.
And what you want is a whole, entire person connected to that nose, right?
Otherwise you get your money back.
Now, did you want me to leave room for a moustache?
There's a nice area there. lt'll... It's...
What?
She's clever. The doctor's placing down the garments
cos we're gonna make an attempt to clone the patient directly into his suit.
That way, he'll be dressed at the end of the operation.
It's a first in cloning, and we can all get the hell outta here.
No need to hang around while he suits up.
I think it's time to check the cell structure.
Yes. Checking the cell structure. Checking the cell structure.
- Ah, checking the cell structure. - Checking the cell structure.
Structure of cells to be checked.
- Checking the cell structure. - Checking the cells.
Checking cell structure. Checking the cell structure.
And now the cell structure has been checked. Thank you so much.
Now I'll just take my mask, if you don't mind, and I'll strap it on to my face.
And...
If you'll excuse me for one second while I give the patient a quick... nostrilectomy.
This is it. Keep your fingers crossed.
Something's going wrong. There's been a current break in the life-support system.
- What I think we should do... - What's that under your mask?
Pardon me? Under my mask? Nothing. Why?
ls... Does it look excessively bulbous?
- He's got the nose. - He's got the nose under his mask.
Right. Nobody move or I shoot your president.
Come on. We're getting outta here.
Don't come near me, or he gets it right between the eyes.
He'll do it. He'll do it. I've seen him shoot a nose.
Please. Please, be careful.
You don't realise you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've seen.
- Yeah. And his isn't so bad either. - Yeah.
Don't come near us.
Get outta here now.
He's bluffing. He wouldn't shoot the nose.
Bluffing, am l? OK, clowns. You asked for it.
I can't believe it.
We actually did it.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and a nose for a nose.
Whatever it means, it sounds brilliant.
You were absolutely wonderful.
Just think. Erno's plan worked.
What do you mean, Erno's plan? What was I through all of that?
- What do you mean? It was Erno's plan. - Look, I cannot discuss Erno with you.
I'm getting a hostility ache, and a migraine headache now.
I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years.
He was a strict Freudian and if I'd been going all this time,
I'd almost be cured by now.
Miles. Erno's going to lead the revolution and head the new government.
Don't you understand? In six months, we'll be stealing Erno's nose.
Political solutions don't work.
It doesn't matter who's up there. They're all terrible...
- What are you looking at me like that for? - I think you really love me.
Of course I love you. This is what this is all about.
And you love me. I know that. And I don't blame you, honey.
And I'm not knocking Erno.
He's great if you happen to like a tall, blond, Prussian, Nordic, Aryan, Nazi type.
But, Miles, meaningful relationships between men and women don't last.
That was proven by science. You see, there's a chemical in our bodies
that makes us get on each other's nerves sooner or later.
That's science. I don't believe in science.
Science is an intellectual dead end.
It's a lot of guys in tweed suits, cutting up frogs on foundation grants and...
I see. You don't believe in science.
And you also don't believe that political systems work
and you don't believe in God, huh?
- Right. - So, then... what do you believe in?
Sex and death.
Two things that come once in a lifetime.
But at least after death you're not nauseous.